The New Pinocchio Movie is a Nightmare

btw the diss track is on Spotify now 😏
ps about the physics thing I was talking about how they’re travelling IN A CIRCLE and that’s why I was bringing it up!! I’m not stupid trust me!!

the whole point of creating pinnochio was so that old man didnt have to be lonely anymore and the first thing pinnochio does is immediately try to leave him 💀💀

If you're confused about cops randomly going door to door looking for "suspicious" people, remember that this movie was made in Russia.

"I'm say obviously, because Bella is the only girl in this movie"
Y'know, I have a hard time believing that this Pinoccio would actually be interested in girls

I’m so glad he addressed “skadee skadee skadee” lol nobody else has on PLclip and it KILLS ME

russian here. i got slightly suspicious when i saw the design of the new "pinocchio", and further in they got confirmed. this is *not* pinocchio, and i have no idea why they called it that!
theres a russian fairytale called buratino, which is basically a slavic version of pinocchio with a slightly different story and characters, and this new pinocchio and the other characters look highly like an old ussr cartoon of buratino!
the main character looks like buratino, with his pointy hat and golden locks. Bella is literally just Malvina, a blue haired girl that ran away from a circus/puppet show thing. the circus owner himself looks like a copy of Karabas Barabas, the owner of the puppet show in og story. and the fox and the cat.... well, they didnt really change, except maybe fir the fact in the cartoon i think the fox was a woman
there are characters missing (such as my favourite character- the sad clown Pierro who was in love with Malvina and was writing her sadass poetry lol), and overall the story feels butchered both if you look at it as pinocchio remake and as a buratino remake. buratino never joined the circus! or had a horse! or was so yassified, after all in og buratino was, again, a whole ass capricious stupid wooden toddler
at first i thought they named it pinocchio only for the foreign audiences to get attention, but turns out in russian its called the same, which is.. a mystery to me, honestly. would've it been called buratino it'd honestly be a bit better, rus audience would know it better and foreigners wouldn't have had such confusion, and got to see some russian culture lol
the film still sucks. maybe im just biased because they removed my favourite character. no pierro, -5/10, would not recommend. better off watching the og buratino movie even tho iirc its only in russian
(if anyone's interested, its called The Golden Key. also thats the name of the book the story originated from)

it’s weird that they completely removed the nose thing, which is literally the thing pinnochio is most known for.

I had the weirdest dream last night where Kurtis published a video called: “How to tell our hands we’re gay.” And the thumbnail was three pictures of him with his hands cupped over his mouth and a stock photo of two hands in the air, watermarks and all. I didn’t watch it in the dream, I scrolled past it on my recommended. I DID watch a video about something to do with Danny Gonzalez and Gordon Ramsey though.

What's with all the non-human characters freaking out about a wooden boy? Imagine Dracula laughing at you because you believe in werewolves.

Your physics are correct Kurtis. The key thing is the circle. It’s no different than being on a roundabout at a park and letting go. You go flying in a straight line away from the circle. Basic astrophysics :)

Pauly Shore's voice is the most annoying sound in the world to me. Even more than the sounds of obnoxious children & babies, but they are REAL close. How could he be funny & great in A Goofy Movie, but fail at everything else?! I can't force myself to feel bad for him because obnoxious sounds trigger the shit out of me.
Wait a minute. Cat is a stolen Talking Tom design!

I like how the clip of kurtis saying “what do i nose” got progressively shorter and shorter each additional time it was used till it was barely anything more than the twinkle sound effect

i can't get over the line delivery of "it's just mE" at 15:31 i piss myself every time

As someone who is almost done with a degree in animation, I can find so many issues in this film it's INSANE

This movie is so wierd... First of all, as a Russian, I've never heard a thing about it, but I can see that this story isn't even an adaptation of Pinocchio, it's an adaptation of a story by a Russian author called "Buratino", and the only thing in common between two stories is that the main character is a doll. So they took a bunch of characters and changed their names and added a fairy and a wish to become a real boy and really wierd scenes... At first I thought that they did it only for English speaking audience, but the original is the same, and it's really absurd thing to do...

You kept saying "original Pinocchio" in reference to the Disney one but like, the actual original Pinocchio is nothing like this, or the Disney one. To start, the wood that made Pinocchio in the original 1883 book was *already alive* and screaming when a woodmaker was trying to carve it, so in fear he gave it to Geppetto. Pinocchio was already just straight up bad even before he was finished being built, like as soon as he got legs, he kicks Geppetto for no reason. Once he's made into a wooden boy, he immediately runs away and the police arrest Geppetto for "mistreating his child" and then Pinocchio goes off back to his house without a care. Then a talking cricket, the talking cricket we all know and love as Jiminy, yeah Pinocchio straight up throws a hammer at him and accidentally kills him.
He does a bunch of other bad shit until Geppetto gets released from prison and he goes home to Pinocchio who is like "hey I burned my feet, can you make me some shoes" and Gepetto makes him some shoes, and because of that and only because of that, Pinocchio out of gratitude agrees to go to school and give acting like a decent citizen for the first time in his life.
Pinocchio goes to a puppet master show and *the puppets* recognize Pinocchio and are like "hey bro" which angers the puppet master, who then decides he's going to burn them alive. Because somehow, these puppets are also alive. He also wants to burn Pinocchio at first but then he's like "no please I don't want to die" and then he's like "ok I'll kill my own puppets instead" and Pinocchio begs for them to be spared which somehow works and the puppet master is like "wow your dad is dirt poor, here's some money".
Then there's some stuff with like, the fox and the cat trying to scam Pinocchio on his way home, them eating at a place called "Red Lobster Inn", I wonder if that's where Red Lobster got their name from, and a bunch of other stuff happens but more importantly *the ghost* of the talking cricket appears and begins acting as Pinocchio's guide of morals. The ghost of the cricket he killed.
Ghost cricket tells Pinocchio to get his ass home instead of meeting with the fox and the cat, but he doesn't listen and he gets robbed by the cat and the fox but like, Pinocchio *bites off the cat's paw* and then runs into a fairy who's like "I'm dead and waiting for a hearse". The cat and the fox find him again though and try hanging him, but since he's made out of wood, he doesn't die and so they just leave him strung up in the tree. Basically the fairy and some other anthromorphic animals save him and ghost cricket is like "he's been disobedient to his father and has hurt him". Pinocchio lies, his nose grows, fairy is like "your lying is doing this" and then calls some birds to *chisel his nose down*.
Pinocchio gets tricked by the cat and fox again, he goes to the police being like "help, they stole my money" and their only response is to laugh at him in trial, and have him arrested and sent to prison for months for "the crime of foolishness" for being dumb enough to fall for their tricks. But like, he gets released from prison due to shenanigans basically, and he then goes on to commit more shenanigans and like, actual crimes again like stealing and other various chaos.
The fairy shows up again later, now older and being like "guess what I'm gonna be your mom now, and as your new mom, I'm telling you to go to school and if you act like a good kid, I'll turn you into a real boy" and Pinocchio's like "ok". He does well, then bad, then well, then bad, rinse repeat, he keeps having the good schoolboy relapses into bad schoolboy moments, then the whole storyline from the Disney movie plays out where he meets Candlewicke and goes to the island where kids can do whatever they want and turn into donkeys, etc. Only in the original, Pinocchio was there for five months, turning into donkeys during the fifth month. Eventually the circus dude wants to sell donkey Pinocchio to somebody who's going to skin him for making a drum, but the dude threw him in the sea to drown him instead of like, killing him in any other way, and then when he went to get donkey Pinocchio, somehow the fish ate all his donkey skin and he was a puppet again. Idk man.
Pinocchio and Geppetto get swallowed whole by a dogfish and they're living in the dogfish for a while, but they escape. They see the cat and fox again who are now broke af, the cat's blind and the fox's physically ill and they're on the streets begging for money and Pinocchio's like "lol serves you right for scamming so many people". Ghost cricket somehow has a house now, he invites Gepetto and Pinocchio to live there, Pinocchio gets a job working for the farmer and he recognizes one of the farmer's donkeys as Candlewick who, guess what, never gets turned back into a boy. I don't even think he gets turned back into a boy in the Disney version.
Months go by of Pinocchio hard at work supporting his father and he saved up a bunch of money to buy himself a suit, but he finds out the fairy is dying and to help her, he instead uses that money to help the fairy and in exchange, she makes him a real boy, gives him some clothes, gives him some gold, and also makes Geppetto healthy. The end.
So yeah, that's the original Pinocchio lol.

pinocchio coming to life and immediately screaming "ALIIIIIIIIVE" in the voice of a middle aged man like he's doctor fucking frankenstein absolutely sent me

you forgot my favorite part, where after Pinocchio leaves the fairy she says something along the lines of "if he really wants to be human, all he has to do is be human"

I still snicker ever time Kurt uses the echoey “balls” from that Barbie movie

With the whole “the mountain pass by evil spirits!” part, I literally just thought it was a mountain next to like the evil spirits’ normal hang out spot

As a horse rider and fan of horse acrobatics, it is possible to jump like that on a horses back but A: not that slowly and B: usually the horse would be standing. Most tricks would be like doing a handstand on the horse’s back but doing a flip like that could actually be very bad for the horse and cause back trauma. So don’t… do that I guess.

“let me ask you equestrian” absolutely and violently murdered me i lost it i just lost it

I guess cops just going around looking for suspicious people wouldn't seem like a plot hole to Russian audiences...

The cringe I felt when the Pinocchio diss track started was unbelievable, but it was soon replaced by tears of laughter. The second time I listened, I realized how good it actually was. I’m simultaneously scared & impressed.

I just wanted to thank Kurtis for this bomb ass masterpiece of a song I was running and I was about to give up but I just kept on going replaying this bop on a loop. Just literal absolute BARS.

As much as we make fun of him Pauly Shore is quite literally the only reason anyone is watching this movie so. In the long run it was actually amazing casting

I am 100% convinced Pauly showed up drunk and cold read the entire script with no re-takes.

Pinocchio getting shot and ragdolling absolutely sent me.

To be fair, the Fairy did say that it's gonna make for an "extremely interesting" story.
She didn't exactly call it a "good" story 🤣
So I mean, it did turn out to be extremely interesting lmao

Maybe it's called a true story as reference to Pinocchio's association to honesty and dishonesty. The fact that a Pinocchio movie claims to be a true story but is obviously lying is a nice bit of irony. A bigger piece of irony is that they completely omit that part of Pinocchio's whole character in this movie so the universe actually is meaningless and god really is dead.

Hey Kurtis you’re probably not gonna see this but there was this weird Australian show I used to watch called round the twist and when I looked it up I saw that barely anybody had reviewed it so thought I’d make a suggestion

That cat is unhinged and I love him. He immediately shot Pinocchio which makes him my favourite character

This movie basically stole the plot of Madagascar 3. You know, the one where they also save a failing circus and magically fall in love with the gymnast.

Kurtis' videos honestly help me calm down from my panic attacks.

i think the casting of pauly shore was absolutly perfect becuase honestly would anyone be watching or talking about this movie if pauly wasn’t voice acting pinocchio

you can tell the “skadee skadee skadee” line was added last minute cus pinnochio’s lips during that scene doesnt even open lmao.

honestly, and i'm not being sarcastic here. Those lyrics SLAPPED. Like actually, you killedddd it with the rhyming schemes and incorporation of puns and it just WORKED SO WELL. Fantastic job, I would loveee to see you write more music, non-parody style even.

Despite having never seen the actual film, I think it's safe to say that the movie's a train wreck, for better and for worse.
But, hey. What do I nose?

Pinnochio in this movie sounds like he's perpetually on ALL the drugs, like from the moment he comes to life.

The way Pauly shore says “it’s just me” walking into the carriage made me choke on my cereal. Holy shit this was *BAD* casting hahahha

"Mama Mia, a wooden boy! *shoots*"
Welcome to Murcia, Pinocchio. Shouldn't've traveled and seen the world. Lol

Judge: "Why did you murder this child's parents"
Accused: "I thought it would make for an extremely interesting story"

I don’t know if my sense of humor is just worse but every time he says “what do i nose?” it gets funnier

during the final scene in this movie i broke out in tears because i could not handle the single stream of dialogue that wrapped up every plot point

Maybe “by” means like adjacent and so the evil spirits are ADJACENT to her house.

Big fan of how the first time Pinocchio and the cat meet, it is established that he cannot be harmed by the cat's gun.
And then later the cat tries to rob Pinocchio with the same gun.

I didn't know "Kurtis Connor dressed like Pinocchio spitting fire" was gonna be something I experienced today, but holy shit am I glad.

hey kurt, i just wanted to thank you for always making the perfect videos to play in minimized screen mode while i play some relaxing game next to them, i dont know what i would do without you :)

i completely somehow forgot about the whole nose things??? how was this movie crazy enough that it made me forget Pinnochio's whole gimic

That cat is unhinged and I love him. He immediately shot Pinocchio which makes him my favourite character

That cat is unhinged and I love him. He immediately shot Pinocchio which makes him my favourite character

Kurtis dropping an absolute BANGER at the end of the video as if he didn’t just change the game completely for music

Kurtis inserting the sound bite of barbie saying "balls" into videos is so fkn funny every single time

"I want all the drama, just call me a thespian." Made me smile so hard 😁💀

26:54 "im a trojan horse, and youre just driftwood"
Dude went from Pinocchio to a bonfire

ohh I think I get it now... yes, yes. the circus is supposed to represent this movie, and the people in charge of it, who are allegedly doing "shady" stuff, represent those who worked on this film ☝️😌 gotcha: this movie is the "shady" thing they kept mentioning

The repeating joke getting cut of a little more every time is so funny

After watching this I hadn't realised I haven't laughed hard in a long time. Thank you.

Everything about the video perfectly hits the spot: makeup, content, jokes, SPONSOR. I love you, Mayor Kurtis, thank you for the amazing content!

kurtis is always showing off that he knows how to do the jerk. and i love it

When you're a Greg living in KurtisTown (like me) you become a certified Chad

I don’t care what anyone says, cutting off “what do I nose?” is the funniest fucking thing. Also, can’t wait to see you on tour!

Kurtis puts so much effort into these videos man, full respect (and that song's a BOP)

6:32 It actually possible to land back at the same spot after jumping from a moving object. It really depend on drag, inertia, speed and a couple of other factor. It not impossible, seen some of my dumb friends do it all the time with their bike or motorcycle. A horse can adjust it speed if it train to make up for any lost distance during the jump.

This movie really reminds me of the greatest showman in some ways. It’s a circus, they swing with ropes and do acrobatic stuff and then the building sets on fire. Mr.wooden boy saves the girl he loves and sacrifices himself and then she cries on him.
I’m I the only one who sees the similarity😂😂

Best foreshadowing ever. The guy at the first circuit performance really *did* want his money back!

I still snicker ever time Kurt uses the echoey “balls” from that Barbie movie

"This summer" he says, the tour goes on to November. Kurtis, November doesn't count as "this summer"

i'm watching this instead of doing my homework for my professional ethics course and trying not to laugh while my mom is right across the room from me is so hard. i may be 21 and dying in college, but that doesn't mean i'm actually going to do my work to end this suffering lmaoooo

Thank you for giving me a distraction.
I struggle with self harm and your vids always help me calm down

I'm convinced this entire video was just a 30 minute set up for that last "What do I nose" joke at the end

Hey I’m Ally and I just got my aunt (Jessica) to order merch just wanted to say I’ve loved you from the beginning and can’t wait to see you at tour with my dad!

Are we just not going to talk about how good Kurtis is at rapping? Like where did that come from??

9:53 NOTHING could have prepared me for that scene

When Pinocchio got shot I laughed so hard 😂 best part of the movie

The diss track was too good to be just a bit. Genuinely hilarious writing and the perfect palette cleanser after the monstrosity that is this film!

kurtis you didn’t have to go this hard on this distract but I love and appreciate that you did!

Curtis spittin fire literally the thing I need to hear on a Monday morning

As an Italian it hurts me every time you say the original movie referring to the Disney one. It was and it was beautiful but original story from the book is very different.
However the video is perfect, just a point that I'm marking.

The diss track was too good to be just a bit. Genuinely hilarious writing and the perfect palette cleanser after the monstrosity that is this film!

Fun fact:
Paulie shore initially thought that the casting call was a prank call and didn’t think they were serious. But….nope. The directors asked for him by name and had him in mind for the English dub from the beginning. He even responded several times asking if they were 100% sure they wanted him for the role

i have to admit, if i were a 54 year old man and i got an offer to voice pinocchio i’d have a very hard time saying no

No matter how many times u say it “what do I nose?” never gets old.
PS: Happy Bday Kurtis!

This movie never fails to make me laugh SO fucking hard every second of the movie it’s so stupid😭

Let’s not forget “Pinocchio’s Revenge”… good lord. That needs a deep dive all on it’s own.

Can we just talk about the absolute BARS this man is spitting?

This is the hardest I’ve laughed for awhile, love this video Kurtis !

Okay but I'm living for Kurtis being a face-cam + mullet version of Cinema Sins

Great video! I loved it, even the diss track, so well produced, awesome job!

9:02 That's actually accurate 🤣 There's also a famous italian song from the 70s called "Il Gatto e la Volpe" (=the cat & the fox) that is inspired from Pinocchio, it was also used in the movie Luca!

im sorry but a wooden boy becoming sentient and the first words out of its mouth being *"ALIIIIVE"* in paulie shores voice while ragdolling onto the floor is the funniest shit I've ever seen

I'm watching this at the gym and laughing on the bikes 😅
I've actually been called a butterface a few times 🙈🙈🙈 I also have a giant nose🤣🤣

the Pinocchio would joke might of been one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard

As someone who loved the old Pinocchio, I didn't even know there was a new one lmfao.

You might not ever even see this but I just wanted you to know that tonight, I woke up with severe anxiety and looked for anything to help calm me down.
I put on some of your videos and your attitude and just your demeanor helped calm me down. So just know you're helping fans out here combat their own stuff just by being you and doing what you enjoy. Thanks for the videos. ❤ I appreciate you.

the way kurtis just didnt even say anything about the "thank you daddy" was really upsetting

yeah if they were going straight on the horse that would work. But he would've landed on the side of the horse realistically because they were going in a circle

22:37 ngl that song kinda slaps

The saying is, "Those who live in glass houses should not fire cartoony trumpet-shaped pistols."

They deadass shot my boy Pinocchio, with no hesitation 😂😂